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i miss you

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 11:37:00 PM.

Hard core puddle jumping

BELLO SESSO

beautiful sex

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 5:04:00 PM.

dont think too much its all good

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 8:19:00 PM.

in a daze not feeling anything

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 11:15:00 PM.

Take me to nirvana,
Where the sand is laced black ash,
Where the sea is iced electric blue,
Where you drink and drink but never crash,

Take me to nirvana,
Where clouds swim through the ocean,
Where man-made giants scrape the sea,
With picturesque devotion.

Take me to nirvana,
Where water flows uphill,
Where your soul is in your shadow,
Where tears collapse on will,

Race me to Nirvana,
Where it throws rain alcholic,
Where its hailing hard heaven,
Where the cross is not symbolic,

Only In Nirvana,
Are honey brown eyes clear,
Without blood shattered eyes,
Red Rivers dissapear,

Take me to Nirvana
Lets race up the stairway,
Hand and Hand,
Opal stairs,
To unscarrd sands,

Dont trip Hold on,
Hold me,
Be strong,

Lets swallow up Nirvana,
Take it as a pill,
Choke it down with vodka,
I think i've had my fill

Lets bleed together, glamourous blood,
When everyone's depressed,
A tear's lost in a flood,

Baby, wait,
I think I've changed my mind,
I want to fall in love with you,
This bubble wrap to break through,
I want to live, lets stop now.
Baby wait..

But it's
too late.


United by love,
Divided by death,

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 12:07:00 AM.

One minute im perfectly happy and i sit and wounder why i was ever sad. But then there are these lows that i get and i just sink lower and lower. Its like a cancer thats been in sleeping inside you and decides to cause pain every once in a while. BUT I FUCKING HATE HOW WEAK I SOUND and how much of a drama queen that i must be coming off as. And ive run through my plan of running away just about as many times as Sheryl Crow and Kid Rocks song was played on the radio a couple weeks ago. Its old and its overplayed. Usually i can pick up the pieces and ignore it.. but this time its different

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 8:43:00 PM.

Didnt go to school today....hung out with my nina and aunt then janine... In a daze.. ..Missing a certain person.....listening to led zeppelin.......reading prozac nation......not doing my homework.....in a daze .....missing somebody

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:41:00 PM.

Didnt go to school today....hung out with my nina and aunt then janine... In a daze.. ..Missing a certain person.....listening to led zeppelin.......reading prozac nation......not doing my homework.....in a daze .....missing somebody

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:41:00 PM.

SOMEONE GET NAKED WITH ME and run around in the fields of daisies behind my house.
Someone get naked with me and run down the beach at night. When its so dark that you cant see where the sky starts and the ocean stops. Just quite possibly the most beautiful thing in this world. Someone get naked with me and mud wrestle . Someone who isnt afraid of getting dirty haha. Someone get naked with me and dance on top of a sky scraper. Someone get naked with meand just fall asleep. Someone get naked with me and dance in the rain. Someone get naked with me close your eyes, be free, and let go...


Have some god damn fun and be wild with me

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:29:00 PM.

Living is so beautiful. The world is so beautiful, its just the people in it that fuck some of it ugly. But every once in a while when you go for a walk your lucky enough to catch one of those sunsets that are shrouded by broken clouds. When the sun's light finds its way through one of the breaks and a sun ray shoots its way through, just like those pretty pictures in fairy tale books you would smile at when you were cute and innocent. It looks just like someone left the light on in heaven and an angel left the attic door open. And the grass is wet and misty, and the air is so heavy. The world is waking up and my favorite flower, daisies, start to show through over the fields. And the empty shells that the dandelions left behind are backlit from the sun and they look like little dew drops that fell from heaven's open attic door. A thousand dreams and wishes to blow away. Collapse in the wildflowers and just stair up. And you feel like you have nothing but thats okay, because everything is beautiful and even if your life stops, everything else moves on. The sun keeps rising, and the oceans keep shaking with waves, and every once in a while an angel will still forget to close heaven's attic door and a little taste of heaven makes the world beautiful again...

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 8:07:00 PM.

Just Let Go

Slide that rusty razor, frosting on the skin,
Bleed out all that anger, youthful skin keeps in,
Taste that metal sweetie, Ohh but not too deep,

Rock a by baby, Go O.D. yourself to sleep,

Does your tummy swell of tylenhol?
Do your wrists flaunt scars of rage?
Does this life prison your mind?
Or trap your soul inside a cage?
Consumed by thought, I watch you cry,

Do you want to die?

Under sweaters sleeves and silk,
Do your scars of anger hide?
Where's my baby girl?
My cowgirl in the sand,
Wheres my baby girl?
Is she falling for a man?
Do you you soak your pain in vodka,
Raw heaven in your throat,
Do those pills make it better?
They say it helps, it wont,



Until you loose it all,
Do you cry yourself to sleep?

Do you climb high, just to fall?

Do your good grades drive you crazy?
Do successes make you choke?

Are you happy baby?
Are your smiles just a hoax,

Does music make it better?
You pink floyd your ears to sleep,
Does it help you forget?
What you try so hard to keep,

Tell me child, I think i care,
I love you baby, is god unfair,

Should you go to church?
Did I raise you wrong?
Were you born this way?
Turn down that fucking song,

Talk to me, i think i care,
FUCK IT ALL GODS UNFAIR

I drown my pain with music,
My wrists flaunt scars of rage,
Sheltered souls prison this life,
Beat my soul inside a cage,
You think you care,
You think you know,
You think you understand,
Thought they love eachother,
The sea still leaves the sand,

Nanna needs to think things out,
Cause mommy needs a break,
Daddy needs a newer car,
Auntie bakes the cake,

You push me in the cornery,

You love to see me break,

Then you ask whats on my mind,
Wounder why its fake?

You wounder why i dont show love,
Why daddys girl forgot your hug,
Dont try and stop, when I've fallen in too deep
Go check your phone,
Was that a beep?

Dig into my skin, control my life,
You have your job, go love your wife,

Lock me in my room, wont protect me from the pain,
Thinking makes it worse, lonely and insane,

I need to be set free, and I think you know,
I love you, but daddy please let go..

And to you,

I'll only hurt you more,
I'll give you all my love,
I hope that's worth the war,

I need you so much, You keep me alive,
I'd let you go, so you could survive,

If I open up to you, and let down all my guards,
Let you see my secrets, I've hidden far too long,
To let you see me naked, shaking and exposed,
To give you all the love I have,
Scars that noone knows,
Will you want me still?
Am I worth the fight?
Will you kiss away the pain,
Or kiss our last goodnight,

Dont let me drag you down, I'm at an all time low,
I love you far too much,

Baby dont let go...

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 3:22:00 PM.

i am loosing everything and i cant go on much longer

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:14:00 PM.

I hate it when people fucking lie for attention. I hate it when people use you to build themselves up. I hate it when people compliment me. I hate it when people are depressed for the sake of being depressed. I hate guys.I hate how guys lack commen sense. I hate how guys cant tell when something is bothering you, or maybe they just ignore it. I hate guys who use girls, who have no problem with abusing girls, but cry when they loose girls. I hate it when guys can be sorry for something they did when they pleasured out of it, and if givin a second chance, probaby wouldnt take it back. I hate guys who fuck with girls feelings. I hate guys who say I love you when they cant even begin to understand what that means. I hate guys who think saying "But i love you" makes it all better. I hate girls. I hate girls who cant keep their legs shut. I hate girls who get guys attention with lies. I hate girls who lie for attention. I hate girls who tease. I hate girls who lead guys on and then complain when they make a move. I hate girls who think ts funny to tempt a guy. I hate girls who lie for attention. I hate it when people try and protect you from the world, but its okay for them to do drugs and fuck sin. I hate it when people try and protect you from the world just becaues they think they have to, they couldnt really care less, but they think they should. I hate it when people wont sell you something because they think you have "too much to loose." Too much to loose my ass, last week you were encouraging me to buy stuff. theres no point to having it all if you dont enjoy it. If you arent happy. Id rather be unsuccessful, poor, alone, and happy than to be in this situation. Where I could "have it all" except the most important thing. More than anything, I hate how everything in this god damn world is FUCKING FAKE.. Fake people, fake breasts, fake love, fake boyfriends, fake romance, fake nails, and fake drama.... ITS all fake fake fake fake i dont know whats real anymore

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:16:00 PM.

Dont get me wrong, i'm perfectly fine. Im heading off to the cape tommorrow with janine and then going to washington DC with our cool school wednesday at 345 till friday at 11. It's all good :) i should probably pack...

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 6:52:00 PM.

Dont you hate it when people are trying to protect you from the world, when all they are doing is making you want it more?

I find it pathetic how this town bubble wraps all of reality's sharp corners... As far as I am concerned I am 19. Mature mind, body, as well as soul. Imagine owning a nineteenyear old perception but being trapped in a fourteen year old's life, an imature world.. The ability to see far beyond what this town has to offer, but weighted down by age. It feels like behind my eyes a nineteen year old sits and waits to be set free of this body. I want to let it free, but youth holds it in. Few know how hard it is having a much older perspective on life while being excepted into a generation who falls 5 years behind in maturity If age is just a number, then why does it matter so much? Let me make my own mistakes, let me try to live, go crazy, get high, fail a test, fall in love, just let go...

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 6:40:00 PM.

I've been loosing my sanity for a long while now.. nobody seems to care, so ill just stop talking about it lol

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:45:00 PM.

..testing

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 7:45:00 PM.

I NEED TO WRITE.. i hate it when people lie and when you cant take anymore.. when theres nobody to talk to. and when it hurts so bad but you just sound like a drama queen

Breaking point

Breaking point insanity,
razors pills profanity,
tylenhol topped with tears,
fruitjuice tang laced with beer,
Vodka sting, twitching eyes,
rapid movement, torture lies,
love hate death and drugs,
plastered smiles tainted hugs,
acid whore, amplifiers,
throbbing bass, getting higher,
Screaming flashes slaps and kicks,
Knife kisses, razor licks,
Frenching fire, fucking hate,
Tempting power, taming fate,
Scorching sights, erratic dreams,
School demands, society screams,
Overcast skies suffacte souls,
Lack of love fills the holes,
Flashing lights, blazing noise,
Sweating bodys, hormoned boys,
Extacy twirls the senses,
Smears colors, nails up fences,
Headaches drowned in birth control,
Unprotected, rock and roll,
Mary Jane clouds the air,
Cigarrettes, truth or dare,
Breaking down from age to youth,
Naked splender spills the truth,
Acid tingles, steroid heart,
Coccain addict, falls apart,
Heroine seduces skin,
Pleasured pain, sleeps with sin,
Heaven felt through Stoned and wasted,
Fever hot, heart beat racing,
Sweating beaters stenched with breath,
Soaked in trouble, stained with death,
Empty stomaches, Empty youth,
Partys throb, lack of truth,
Misunderstood teenage lost,
Cold hearts, hugged by frost,
Confused, Abused, and complicated,
In search for love but always hated...



But dont worry about me im not some crazy suicidal drama queen. I'm perfectly fine

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:31:00 PM.

I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE. but then again did i ever know. I just dont think cause if i thought things out then i couldnt ignore them any more. Thats always wat happens i just ignore shit thinking it will go away. and it does, but not completly. And when it all gets thrown in my face i dont know what ill do. I just want to run awaay, like i always have. Ive ran through the plot one hundred times in my head, and it all makes sense. Someday somethings gunna push me over the edge and i WILL pull it off. the question is, will i regret it? but i'm sick of complaining and blowing everything out of proportion. i'm sick of feeling like a drama queen and i'm sick of meaning nothing

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:59:00 PM.

Summer Love

A breeze swept up my soaked sandy hair,
As we skirted the shore, our toes cold and bare,
The day withered past as the sun slowly set,
My heart leaped a beat as our eyes finally met,
I was trapped in your stare piercing and strong,
To blink, to break this bond, would be wrong,
Your gaze was so loving so gentle and true,
I could feel all your secrets understood right through you,

Your hand slowly crept from my hand to my hip,
Rhythmic love, while the sea dips,
Resting my face on your sun golden shoulder,
The waves grasped our toes, as the night soon aged older,

The skies were painted with red crimson pink,
Sunsets draw temptation, pastel colored ink,
We lay on a stone that jut out to sea,
Desire held strong, forced you closer to me,

We were secluded from people,
Protected from noise,
Gentle and Calm serene sounding poise,
No words were spoken, the silence of love,
Understood by us two, so close and so snug,

Resting my head in your lap I listened,
Sweet summer breathes, while the sea glistens,
The sun finally sank, who knows where it goes,
The moon proudly rose to make the sea glow,
Clouds replaced with pitch darkness night,
Each color drained down except black and white,

Your face against mine, the stars glitter above,
No words can depict depth deeper than love,
The heavens so endless, a star none can reach,
Tantalize hearts from our own private beach,
Stars stare me back through enchanting eyes,
Heavens reflected in ocean blue dyes,

No where in this hell I rather would be, than to lie in your hold,
With you so close to me,
Seduced by your arms, soft strong and safe,
Lost in your love, astray in embrace,
Fingertips dance on fresh sunkissed skin,
New feelings are felt, flee fear from within,

My love is so youthful, so tempting, so pure,
Trapped in this feeling I know nothing more,
Than to love you forever,
Stay lost with eachother,
Until mother earth withers past its last days,
Until moonbeams wont slowdance with the waves,
Until the last star burns out from deep space,
Until sun rays stop kissing our face,
Until the ocean looses its depth,
Until forever our love's all that's left...

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:52:00 PM.

Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all that way

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:02:00 PM.

Have you ever confused a dream for life? or stolen something when you had the cash? have you ever been blue? or thought your train moving, while it sitting still, maybe i was crazy, maybe it was the 60s, or maybe....... I was just a girl, interrupted......

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:41:00 PM.

I'm loosing my mind

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 11:00:00 PM.

Lonely, and dangerous

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:58:00 PM.

Uhm today stayed after for the walk for hunger meeting. To which by the way if you want to pledge for me just shout out, then took an algebra quiz and then went shopping with my MOMMY! I'm exhausted from balencing work and school, its insane. Tomoro i'm workin till 5 ( visit me) then im off to the mall with no seconds to spare. then I'm crashin at ailies. Well check out the photo album I added some pics from a couple weeks ago at the mall. Xoxox

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:47:00 PM.

I think ahh i dont know what i think. This song just about sums it up lol.

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they've always done before

Look at the hate we're breeding
Look at the fear we're feeding
Look at the lives we're leading
The way we've always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can't deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D'you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said "Peace could last forever"
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can't trust freedom
When it's not in your hands
When everybody's fightin'
For their promised land

And
I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war

Look at the shoes your filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I've seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
'Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
And I don't need your civil war
I don't need your civil war
I don't need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war
I don't need one more war

I don't need one more war
Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway..Guns and roses ( wat a good combo)

Hmm thats about all I have to say. Just because I dont support this war does not mean that I dont love America. I am 100% american and i love it with all my heart. God Bless America but fuck this war....

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:16:00 PM.

Long day of school and work from after school till 6... i got paid tho :) its alllll good savin up for my BABY.. sweet sweet eclipse! I think i might blow the first pay check tho on clothes and unneccissary items friday night at the mall lol. Hey, its the first check you HAFTA spend it like that lol. But dont get me wrong, I'm determined to save up for that car.. DETERMINED..

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 7:00:00 PM.

AHH I AM LOOKING FORWARDS to the summer life baby... Janine went through all my poetry haha thanks alot JANINE heres a summer poem i wrote last year lol... summer * sigh*, be sure to get some summer luvin this year *wink*

Summer Love..
A breeze swept through my damp sandy hair,
As we skirted the shore, our feet cold and bare,
The day withered past as the sun slowly set,
My heart leaped a beat as our eyes finally met,
I was trapped in your stare, piercing and stong,
to blink to break this bond would be wrong,
Your gaze was so loveing so gentle so true,
A could read all your secrets, I saw right through you,

Your hand slowly crept from my hand to my hip,
Your other stroked my face down my cheek, past my lip,
I rested my face on your smooth golden shoulder,
The waves grasped our toes as the night soon aged older,

The sunset was beautiful, swirling with color,
Reds, Yellows and pinks, a sky like no other,
We lay on a rock that jut out to sea,
Desire was strong, forced you closer to me,

We were secluded from people,
Protected from noise,
No airplanes, no cars, no babies with toys,
The only sound felt was the silence of love,
Felt only by us so close and so snug,

Resting my head in your lap, I listened,
With each breath you took i watched the sea glisten,
The sun finally sank, who knows where it goes?,
The moon proudly rose, and made the sea glow,
As the day slowly faded, from dusk into night,
Each color was drained, except black and white,

No place on this earth i rather would be,
Than to lie in your lap, with you so close to me,
Seduced in your arms soft strong and safe,
I was lost in your love, Lost in embrace,

At this point in time,
One thought drowned my mind,

Here sat a couple so young and so pure,
A couple to whom they know nothing more,
than to love one another,
and reamain faithful lovers,
Until the lion swallows its pride,
Until the rabbit wont run or go hide,
Until the giraffe loses its height,
Until moon beams wont lighten our night,
Until the last star is plucked from deep space,
Until Sunrays stop kissing our face,
Untill the ocean loses its depth,
Untill forever there loves all thats left....

aww how sweet.... cough cough BULLSHIT

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 8:30:00 PM.

It is so scary how in just one moment your life can make it or break it. Kyle, I hope you have an incredibly fast recovery and have fwe scars to show for it. Its amazing how in life its either horrible or incredible. Either, everything is going wrong or everything is going right. God is one sick bastard for not evening it out. But I look at like this, what dosnt kill you makes you stronger. One of my friends has been through so much shit that she has no choice than to become so strong that nohting will tear her down. Heather you are the strongest girl that I know, dont ever change. I love so much and I'm ALWAYS here. no matter what else life has to throw at you I'll be by your side and ready to catch you. Anything you need I'll get it to you. You are a beautiful, smart, and amazing women and kyle is lucky to have you. We will get through this shit together, I promise hun thinks are gunna get easier, ohhh ohh child things ill get brighter lol. I love you to death hun

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:22:00 PM.

Here are my views on love, FUCKIT lol if you look for it you'r just chasing it away. This is how i hope love hits me. Haha like Jim Morrison. He followed this stranger home from the beach and was just like, I followed you home from the beach. And she was like, how come? and he goes.. because your the one. Aww how sweet, and they stayed together for the rest of his short forever. Okay, sure he fucked about 70 other women, but hey they were still in love. haha Thats the way it should be, Hello, I love you wont you tell me your name? lol

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 6:54:00 PM.

Well i havnt written in a while. Lets see Lets see. Friday was the dance. It sucked i went to janine's with kelci and we had to walk in the cold to the school. Silly kelci left her permission slip inside the house that was locked, so we had to sneak in lol. Saturday ailie and janine came over and we had a picnic in the woods of western nurserys. Sandwhichs, bagal bites, strawberries, pop tarts, ice cream, lol It's all good. We had the radio thing going as well. Then we headed off to the mall and hung out basically. Then then then we came home at around 1030 and watched the shinning until we fell asleep lol and watched the rest in the morning. Then i dropped them off at janines and went to work from 12 till 4, busy busy busy. So far, i have about 40 dollars tip. For my sweet baby, the mitsubishi eclipse or spyder, not sure yet lol. Don't forget now, its going to be black or silver, decaled, vanity license plate, moon roof ( nada better than hot summer midnights with the moon roof open lookin up at the stars) lol, black leather interior as well. I cant help it i'm a fast lane girl lol. Look forwards to me waxing my car every day and not letting you inside without wipeing your shoes. I miss the summer. The beach, the waves, the sand, slushies, tans, hot life guards lol, drivin around town windows down music blasting ( not much better than that), no school, and FREEDOM. Uhh thats the thought that keeps me going. Well i gotta go finish the homework. Peace and love

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 5:01:00 PM.

Well, George Bush has just declared war and i would like to express my thoughts about the whole situatiuon. God Bless America and god bless our troops. I just want to say that i hope this war is fast and has the least amount of deaths as possible., I hope there is minimal deaths and a minimum amount of suffering. I am proud to be an american women and I wish that out troops soon return home triumphantly and healthy. God bless America...

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:10:00 PM.

Mental Health Day off lol. Skipped school today cause I was up all night with severe cramps, ouch. Plus I needed a day off from all the stress. I added my photo albums and my calender. Check them out on the left. I'm going to add more soon cause I'm home all day with nada to do. I'll write back later, getting some CHIKEN SOUP!

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:55:00 AM.

Haha are you ready to here more of my bullshit thoughts about life. Well, lets start with American Idol lol. Wow I think its a sad day when you can win fame in a contest. This generation has SHIT for talent. Ok it isnt all about vocals, and that is just about all that american "idols" have. I am a strong beliver in music. My music is who I am. Music isn't just about singing, most importantly it is about writing. Can any of those american idols write a song? A good one? No, somebody sits at home writes a song about none other than love and crushes and ignorant shit like that and pays this girl who won a contest to sing it. In return she gets money and fame.

Honey, thats not how the music industry used to be? It used to be about the raw talent. Can any of those idols write smooth beautiful poetry lyrics like the sex-god Jim Morrison?. God rest his grooooovy soul lol. He was the true American Poet. And to this day people still listen to his music, I sure as hell know I do I'm listening to him as i write lol. Can any of those idols play a left-handed guittar lit on fire like Jimi Hendrix? I'll ask you this, will millions upon millions of people mourn and cry when these "idols"die? Nah, but they did for Kurt Cobain John Lennon Jim Morrison. These people are the definition of talent, of music, of rock. As the wise Neil Young once said haha, "Hey hey, my my, rock and roll can never die. My My hey hey rock and roll is here to stay." Ay men Neil.Can any of them write meaningful music about war and drugs? . Do you think these idols will be around as long as Madonna? Can they stir up publicity like Courtney Love? Decades from now do you think people will still be listening to Kelly Clarkson " a moment like this".. I sure as hell fucking hope not. These people dont even COMPARE to the talent that used to be. I know my music and I ask you this.... Where has all the fucking talent gone?

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:32:00 PM.

I find it pathetic how this town bubble wraps all of reality's sharp corners... As far as I am concerned I am 19. Mature mind, body, as well as soul. Imagine owning a nineteenyear old perception but being trapped in a fourteen year old's life, an imature world.. The ability to see far beyond what this town has to offer, but weighted down by age. It feels like behind my eyes a nineteen year old sits and waits to be set free of this body. I want to let it free, but youth holds it in. Few know how hard it is having a much older perspective on life while being excepted into a generation who falls 5 years behind in maturity If age is just a number, then why does it matter so much?

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:22:00 PM.

Wow the last entry made me seem completly crazy haha, dont worry about me lol One minute I could be completly depressed and conteplating suicide, and then my favorite song will get requested on the radio and then its all good. Thats what being a teenager is all about I guess. And its not that i'm depressed its just that compared to the shallow kids from Hopkinton I would like to consider myself deeper than that. I mean I've seen kiddie pools deeper than hopkinton kids. Today was busy, i went to school and found out i had a basketball banquet tonight and was already sceduled to work. I came home went to work then went to the banquet right after. At work I was makin a strawberry rocket and BOOM the strawberries exploded lol. I miss the bball team lol. Well i have homework and a hot steamy shower to get to lol and AH i'm running out of time.

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:48:00 PM.

Have you ever just wanted to stop. Leave all that you’ve worked so hard to get, behind you.. and never look back.


Leave the family who loves you more than anything this world has to offer, but who you don’t love nearly as much as you should.
Leave the friends you’ve spent your life making, so that there was always someone there to break your fall, someone to love and support you. What happens when you fall so hard and deep that theres nobody there for you whose strong enough. Nobody whose willing to give it all up for you, catch you, hold you, and carry you back to sanity.
Leave grades, sports, your education. All the things that your parents told you would get you far in life.. because that’s what is supposed to make you happy, anyways. Getting a decent job and being successful, having money. That’s the form of success society screams.

You have everything going for you, the grades, the support, the personality, friends, love. You have endless opportunities… you should be happy….. you were taught that this would make you happy. You were taught to do well in school, make friends, have fun… and you’ll be happy.....cause then there’s no reason not to be. So you plaster a smile on your face and just work. You hang out, meet new people, do your school work, go to work, make money, enjoying absolutely none if it. In fact, each good grade pushes the pin a little bit more. Each success, each paycheck, each perfection, makes you want to scream WHY AM I NOT HAPPY.

Why are you not happy? You pretend that you are because there’s no reason to be depressed. Your friends will think all your after is some attention. Your like a drone you don’t know what makes you happy, society convinces you that you are. You follow the routine that has been dug into your soft mind. You never question it, millions of people cant be wrong. What is the point of living when you don’t feel true and honest happiness, bliss, love. Would it be worth living in a world without happiness? Without love? Your not really living are you? You just sort of exist. You’re not happy. You never were happy. You never will be happy.. there’s only one way out…


Have you ever just wanted to stop, leave it all behind you and go.

Have you ever just wanted to keep on driving. Past your driveway, out of the quant perfect small town that you grew up in. The town that can only be described as a soulcage, a completely sheltered horrid HELL.

Have you ever just wanted to pick up your books and run. Run out of your lunch room out on your life.?

Have you ever just wanted to hitchhike your way to California. Start all over, a new life… but would it make the slightest difference? Or would you be starting a whole new version of the hell you just ran away from….

Have you ever just wanted to feel love.. Is it overrated? People speak so high of it.. is it really worth it?

Have you ever just wanted to be happy. Just for a moment. A little ray of hope that made all the pain you’ve been through… worth it. A reason to pick up the pieces of the life you broke, and keep going…….because I do. Am I crazy, or do you feel it too?........

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 9:34:00 PM.

Why am I still awake?

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 12:59:00 AM.

Second Saturday night in a row when im STUCK AT HOME lol. Last week i was grounded this time I had this shitty family thing. Busy day though, i worked for four hours and had to get ready in 5 minutes to go to this family thing. Hey i made 6.50 in tip lol i'm getting closer to my eclipse :) my baby lol. Well, I am gunna spend the rest of my saturday night as usual, watchin cops, Americas most wanted, the news, and saturday night live. lol sounds like a party huh?

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:10:00 PM.

I just realized that our whole generation is basically fucked. One minute its cool to listen to P diddy and wear the hotteset new abercrombie tee shirt and mini skirts. It was in to be a prep. But now all of a sudden its cool to hate preps and fucking be goth wear baggy pants and want to kill yourself. Half of the people who claim to be goth were just prep last year. ITS NOT COOl ok? Its now "in" to listen to these fake ass punk baneds like good charlotte and fucking new found glory, what exactly is the difference between them and NSYNC? O they dress "punk" so then they must be cool cause punk is in. Its cool to wear fishnets and baggy pants and be depressed and wanna kill yourself. Sure teenage life is hard, but be strong. Seriously, ITS NOT FUCKING cool you are all fake poser followers. Only few of you were the original "rebels" and then you have a whole crowd following you. BE YOUR GOD DAMN SELF just because you live in hopkinton dosnt mean you have to be depressed. Just because your gf dumped you dosnt mean you need to commit suicide. Just because society is telling you to be depressed DOSNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO. If you were so serious about suicide then you wouldnt constantly bring it up. Its all a cry for help but when somebody trys to help you, you back off. Wtf is up with society? Its then cool to hate your government and be an anarchist but half the guys who say they are anarchists cant name the fucking branches of government. Be genuine. Look for music that you like. not whats "in" ok everybody likes ICP i hafta like them. KMK is now cool. good charlotte and NFG are in. IT is all a bunch of SHIT. And half of you donteven like the music, you just listen to it cause its cool and most likely cant even stand it but force yoursef to like it. Dont dress goth cause its cool , dont be depressed cause its cool. because being a follower and being fake is not cool and i can see through each and every one of you. half of you are fake the other half, well god bless you....

And the butterflies flew past Bethany at 10:42:00 AM.